


Back to the Beginning

by MonPetitTresor



Series: Changing the Past [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Background Amara, Bonding, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Sam, M/M, Season/Series 11, Time Travel Fix-It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-07-28 06:33:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7628737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MonPetitTresor/pseuds/MonPetitTresor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Darkness is taking over. God is dead, Amara is winning, and there's nothing left that anyone can do. Sam's watched his friends and family slowly fall to the dark that's sweeping over the planet. Soon, there'll be nothing left. No world left to save. There's no hope left for them. All Sam can do is cling to the one being he loves more than anything else and wait for the end to come.</p><p>That is, until Gabriel pulls out a random Hail Mary and comes up with their only chance to make things right. With every last bit of his power, he throws Sam back into the past in the hopes that maybe he'll be able to fix the future.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Darkness flooded the sky and curled itself through every nook and cranny it could find. Slowly but surely it was pushing its way forward, chasing the light, and devouring everything in its path. It was surrounding them and soon enough it was going to swallow them. Just as it had swallowed everything else. Sam Winchester knew it was coming and knew there was nothing he could do about it.

This was a day that Sam had never thought he’d see. Even in all the fights he’d been in, all the apocalyptic piles of shit that he and his brother had waded through, they’d never expected to see _this._

The end.

It’d finally come for them. The world was ending. Everything around them was breaking apart, slowly but surely being destroyed by a darkness – _the_ Darkness – that none of them could stop. It was consuming everything – had already destroyed the only being that might’ve stood a chance. Images of God’s body lying on the ground were forever seared into Sam’s mind. He’d seen the end of _God_. That was something Sam would never forget. Nor would he ever forget the guilt that sat inside of him from the knowledge that this was all his fault. The loss of lives, the destruction of the planet, it was all because of him. Sam and Gabriel were amongst the last survivors and they knew their time was limited. Sam had come to accept that. He’d come to accept that he and everything else were going to die here.

What he hadn’t expected was this final Hail Mary that Gabriel had pulled out.

“I can’t stop this, Sammy.” The archangel had whispered just last night – or was it this morning? It was so hard to tell, the world was so _dark_ – as he’d curled around Sam in their little shelter. “But…but you can.”

“What’re you talking about?” They’d looked for answers all over and found nothing. Nothing they had was strong enough to stand against Amara. _Nothing_.

Gabriel pulled Sam in close and whispered the words that broke Sam’s heart. “I don’t have much power left, but I’ve got enough to… to send you back. To blast you backwards into the past and stop this before it ever gets started.”

“What!” That was to get Sam sitting up. To have him looking at his lover in absolute shock.

Gabriel’s hands and voice were gentle as he’d stroked Sam’s cheek and laid it all out for him. “It won’t be like when Anna went back. She was less than me, without my power. She was just going back to change one little thing, too. To make it stop. An in a way, it was already a part of history. You guys were always meant to go back there. But this… this’ll be different. Archangels aren’t made for finesse. Neither are pagans. With the sheer amount of power I’m going to have to use, it’s going to affect the timeline.” Pausing, he tilted his head and shrugged a shoulder. “Not to mention what random damage Amara’s influence has done. She’s like Dad, she doesn’t exist at just one point, she exists at all. Her touch could’ve reached back and changed some of the past already. Who knows? But you’ll have to be prepared for it.”

“Gabe…”

He talked right over top of Sam as if he hadn’t heard him. “Some things are going to be different. It could be little things, like a hunt or two that aren’t quite the same, or it could be other details. You could end up with a sister or something equally weird – I don’t know. But I’d be taking someone and not just traveling them. I’m going to be shoving you into that timeline. Things will adjust in random ways to make you fit.” Gabriel’s eyes had gone sad. “I don’t know what’ll change, but things will. I just… Sammy, sweetheart, it’s our only hope. If we don’t do this, Amara’s going to win, and there won’t be anything left. We won’t just be dead – everything will be gone.”

As soon as he’d heard Gabriel’s plans, Sam had fought. He’d ranted and raved and begged. He’d pleaded with Gabriel, would’ve gotten down on his knees, but to no avail. Selfish though it may be, Sam didn’t want to do this. He didn’t want to have to sacrifice all over again. This was his fault, he knew, and he knew he should be eager to fix it.

But why was the price always so damn high?

Now they were kneeling together in the last safe place in the world and Sam felt like he was already being destroyed. The darkness outside might not be able to touch him, but the one growing inside was slowly consuming him. Sam looked at the archangel in front of him and didn’t try to hide the pleading in his gaze. His heart felt like it was breaking into pieces. “Don’t do this, Gabriel. Please.”

“It’s the only hope we have, Samshine.” Warm hands cradled Sam’s cheeks in that way that only Gabriel had ever managed. It always made Sam feel like he was the most important and precious thing in existence. A hint of a Gabriel’s usual smile touched his lips and his eyes softened with the love only Sam ever got to see. Leaning in, he ghosted a kiss over Sam’s lips. “You are, sweetheart. You most definitely are.”

It took everything Sam had not to let himself start crying. He couldn’t do that. He _wouldn’t_. “Don’t do this.” The words were a whisper this time; a plea he knew would go unheeded. “I don’t want to leave you.”

He saw the grief flash in Gabriel’s eyes and felt it echo over their bond. Then that amazing, overpowering love was flooding him, filling Sam up to the brim. This time the kiss that Gabriel gave him wasn’t soft and sweet. It was deep and commanding and overwhelmed Sam with the sheer amount of love in it. A depth of love only a being such as this, a being made up of God’s love, could manage. When they finally broke apart the both of them were panting.

Strong fingers slid back and curled tightly into Sam's hair. In his eyes were a thousand words that Sam could see and feel, and they broke him. “No.” He whispered. There was no point in stopping the tears now. They were pouring down his cheeks in silent rivers. “No, Gabe. No. You _promised_.”

Gabriel winced. _'I promise you, I'll always be there_.' The words played back in both their minds, echoes of whispers in the dark, promises made before things had gotten so bad. “I wish I could come with you. You know that, Sammy. I'd go with you if I could. But I only have enough power left to send you.”

When Amara had killed God, she'd destroyed not only the Creator, but much of what He'd created. The power of the angels came from God and with Him gone it was all starting to fade. Gabriel lost more and more power with each passing day. The younger angels were already gone, faded away into nothing. The only thing that kept Gabriel alive this long was that he was an archangel, and that he was also a pagan god. Without those two things, he, too, would've been gone already.

This was a solid plan. Sam knew it, he understood that, and he even agreed with it in some ways. The rational part of his mind accepted that it had to be done. The emotional part was being torn to shreds at the idea of being separated from his bondmate. “I don't want to go.” He wanted to stay here with Gabriel until the end. Everyone else got their ending together, why couldn't Sam? Why was he the one who always had to sacrifice? Why was he always the one left standing with all the pain while everyone else moved on or healed or got the ending they wanted? Dean and Castiel... thinking of them ripped at Sam just as it always did. Their loss was the hardest one yet. But they'd gone together. They'd had that, at least. Was it so much to ask for Sam to get that as well? Why did he have to be the only one to survive – the only one to remember?

A pained sound slid from Gabriel and he kissed Sam again, gentler this time. “I'm so sorry, Sam. I'm so, so sorry.” There were tears in Gabriel's eyes now, and those were always Sam's undoing. He couldn't stand to see them. “I hate that I have to do this. I hate hurting you. But you're the only one that can do this. You're the only one who'd be strong enough to do it.”

“What if I don't want to be the strong one anymore?” Sam whispered back.

Gabriel pulled him in tight against his chest. Arms and wings wrapped around Sam and held him closer and tighter than ever before. Here, there was a sense of safety, even amidst all this chaos. Here was the only place that Sam had ever felt like he didn't have to be strong. Like maybe, just maybe, it was okay to be weak for a little while.

Neither one of them said anything. Gabriel held Sam close and let the hunter cry. Let him soak up the last of this strength in the hopes that it would hold him through what was about to come.

By the time they broke apart Sam knew that there was no more waiting. No more holding back. They had to do this. If they wanted to save the world, they had to do this.

Once more Gabriel cupped Sam's face between his hands. Their eyes locked and the light of grace and pagan magic both lit up his bondmate's eyes. “I love you, Sam Winchester. I will always love you.”

The tears kept coming, but neither of them noticed it. “I love you too, Gabriel. Always.”

“You can do this, sweetheart. I know you can. I've got faith in you.” Gentle thumbs brushed over Sam's cheeks. Then he smiled; a sad little smile that was devastating. “You find the other me an give him a good kick in the ass, all right? Don’t let him sit on the sidelines. You shouldn’t be alone.”

Sam shook his head. “He’s not you.”

“We won’t share the same history you an I do, but I promise you, Sammy, he’s still me. An there’s not a single version of me that isn’t made to love you.”

Something outside rumbled and the little light that they had started to fade. The dark was getting closer.

They were out of time.

There were no final goodbyes between them. No more declarations of love or promises or pleas. They sat there together in the last bit of light left in the world and Sam watched as the being he loved more than anything else opened up and grabbed hold of all the power that was left inside of him. For one brief moment it was like the world held its breath. Sam stared at his love and committed this final image to memory. Gabriel, full of all his power, eyes blazing in a way Sam had been sure he’d never see again.

Then the world whited out as all that power poured down inside of him.

Sam screamed as the world exploded in light.


	2. Chapter 2

Pain was the first thing Sam registered as he came to. It was the only thing that he could really register.

Ever since he’d bonded with Gabriel when the archangel had come to rescue Sam from his second stint in the Cage, when Sam had been stupid enough to believe that God was sending him visions of the Cage in a way to help him stop the Darkness, there’d been a place inside of Sam where he could feel the archangel’s presence. Gabriel had wrapped Sam in pure grace to heal him and draw him out of there. He’d held on tightly to Sam and left him with a handprint on his hip similar to the one that Dean carried on his arm, only deeper. Because Dean hadn’t known Castiel when the seraph had pulled him out of the pit, but Sam had known Gabriel, and he hadn’t fought the archangel. In fact, he’d opened up to him, letting Gabriel carry him away and trusting in him. That had been the start of their bond. The love they’d shared after had only strengthened it.

Now, that bond was gone. There was nothing but pain inside of Sam where he’d grown so used to feeling the absolute love from Gabriel. That love, that strength, was ripped away from him, and his heart and soul were screaming from it. Barely even aware of his physical body, or where it was, Sam curled in tightly on himself and let the tears pour silently down his cheeks as he grieved the loss of the single most important being in his life. Losing Dean had devastated him – losing Gabriel shattered him. He didn’t even care at the moment to get up and check to see how much Gabriel’s plan had worked. All he could do was try and hold himself together as he slowly came apart.

There was no telling how long Sam lay where he was and cried out his grief. It could’ve been minutes, hours, days. He didn’t care. All he could feel was the emptiness and the pain and he wanted nothing more than to lose himself inside of it and forget the rest of the world.

The only thing that kept him from doing just that was the memory of Gabriel’s face. The way that the archangel had looked at him, so full of love and trust as he gave up everything he was, everything he had, just so Sam could get this second change to go and make things right. He’d sacrificed himself, trusting that Sam would be able to fix things. That he could what needed to be done to save the world. In that moment, Sam didn’t give a damn about the world. But he loved Gabriel and he couldn’t betray that trust that his bondmate had put in him.

That was the only thing that gave Sam the strength to uncurl himself from the tight little ball he'd pressed his body into. Unconsciously, he'd been curled into himself, cradling the empty place inside of him. Now he forced his limbs to uncurl and his body to start to sit up. As he did, he became aware of a few things for the first time.

 _One_ : It was a bed he was lying on. A rather large, mostly soft bed, one that was covered in dark purple bedding.

 _Two_ : That bed was in a bedroom that seemed almost familiar, yet he couldn't quite place it. It obviously wasn't a motel bedroom, nor was it his room at the bunker or even the room he'd used at Bobby's. This room was small, but nice, with curtains on the window that matched his bed, and a nice tall oak dresser nearby. All of it tugged at some part of Sam's mind that told him he'd seen this before, or something _like_ this. He just wasn't sure where. Most likely, it had to be from before his time in Hell. Some little parts of his life before the Cage got murky sometimes. Gabriel said it happened when one lived for a long time – and Sam's years in the Cage made him far older than he looked. The lifetimes he’d lived in there had made some of his past just a bit fuzzier, almost like an adult trying to remember what young childhood was like. Some memories came through clearly while others… not so much.

 _Three_ : and this was the biggest one of all, bigger than anything else he'd noticed – he wasn't exactly a _he_ anymore.

Sam stared down at his body and felt his mouth drop open in shock. The body he was in _felt_ like his body, at least on the inside. After being possessed so many times in your life, or when you date an archangel who has powers that allow them to change you around for some fun, it's easy to recognize when a body feels like yours and when it doesn't. This _felt_ like Sam. But on the outside – Sam stared at himself in shock. He stared at the long, pale, smooth legs stretched out beside him. The slender wrists and long-fingered, almost delicate looking hands that were braced on the bed. His gaze traveled up, right to the hem of the shirt that he wore. A shirt that was three sizes too big and slid off of one shoulder.

That shirt was almost all he was wearing. Just it and... _panties_. He was wearing a pair of soft panties.

Jesus. _Jesus_! Gabriel had told him that some things could change – had joked about him maybe gaining a sister somewhere, even! – but Sam' hadn't thought that _this_ would change. He hadn't expected to wake up and find out that he wasn't a 'he' anymore.

On legs that felt shaky, Sam pushed up from the bed and walked over to the closet. Lots of closets had mirrors inside, right? Girls did that. He remembered that Jess had done that. She'd liked to be able to get dressed and try on outfits and look at herself before leaving the bedroom.

Sam got lucky. As he opened up the closet door, there was a mirror on the inside. A full length one that gave him a very clear view of his new body.

The first thing he saw was a pair of wide, hazel eyes, both familiar and yet not. They were wider than his normally were, with lashes that were thicker and longer, and were set in a face that wasn't sharp lines like his had been. This face was, softer. Smoother. He could definitely see himself in it, but at the same time, it was so damn jarring. It looked like someone had taken his own face and smoothed it out, even smoothing out his nose, and then made it _younger_. That was what got him the most. The features – Sam could sort of handle those. The few times that Gabriel had indulged in a little gender-play in the bedroom, the female version of Sam that he’d made was always just that, a female Sam. It was what Sam’s body would’ve been as a female, just like this vision in the mirror here. Only this one looked so much _younger_.

Messy brown hair framed that soft face, longer than Sam had ever had it before. It didn't frame just his face, it curled down past his shoulders – shoulders that weren't as wide, weren't as filled in – and down over the other part of this body that was so damn different. Sam’s mouth dropped open a little, full lips parting on a surprised gasp, as he stared at a chest that was actually rather impressive in size. In the back of his mind he swore he could hear the faint wolf whistle that Gabriel would let out at the sight of him. He could hear the words that Gabriel had said the first time he’d changed Sam around – and himself, too. _“Look at you, Sammy! Or should I say Sami? I told you you’d make a pretty girl! Nice rack, all those curves, and legs that go on for days. Get that ass on over here and let me show you the fun parts of being a gorgeous girl…”_

There was absolutely no doubt whatsoever that the body that Sam had landed in was female. _How the hell, Gabriel? Seriously? How the hell? Is this… is this your idea of a joke? One last cosmic joke on me?_ Oddly enough, he could picture that. Picture the way that Gabriel would smirk and wiggle his eyebrows suggestively.

Imagining that look took away some of Sam’s temper and left him staring at his reflection with sadness and grief. Did it really matter what he looked like? Did it matter that he was a she? In the end, he was still here, still alone. Gabriel was still gone. Grief threatened to pour back in and suck him under. Sam wrapped his arms around his waist, a waist that was much more slender than before, and he tried to hold himself together. The image in the mirror shook slightly and he could see just how wide his eyes had gotten.

 _Suck it up, Sam_ , he told himself. _So what if I'm a girl now? Who gives a damn? I'm not here to worry about who I am or some stupid body. I've got a mission and I need to worry about that, not the shape of the body I'm in. It's not like it's the first time I've been a girl_. That was very true. Sam had always thought he'd been adventurous in bed - he hadn't known anything until he'd climbed into bed with Gabriel. They'd played a lot, and it'd always been fun.

Sam stood there for a moment longer and stared at his new body. Then he shook his head. He was right - he had a mission. One that was extremely important. Standing here panicking or gawking wasn't doing anything to help that. He needed to get dressed and then go out and figure out when and where he was, and then set about making a plan. How far back had Gabriel sent him? Was it going to be enough? Would he be able to stop everything?

In that moment, Sam did what he did best, pushing away everything but the mission in front of him. It was a skill that he'd learned from being a hunter. John had started the lesson and life had completed it. No matter what you were going through, all problems could wait until after the hunt was over. Distractions could get people killed. Nothing was more important than finishing the job – and this job was the most important one he'd ever been on. The rest of this could all be dealt with later once he figured things out. Once he did what he was here for, _then_ he could give in to the grief. Then he could hide himself somewhere far away; somewhere that no one would ever be able to find him. Once the job was done.

Reaching into the closet, Sam sifted through the clothes there in the hopes of finding something to wear. It seemed logical that these had to be his. He’d woken up in this room; logic would say it was his somehow. Unfortunately, this version of himself seemed to be rather fond of… somewhat revealing clothes.

Unbidden, a memory rose up in his mind, one that he hadn’t known he’d had. One that didn’t belong to _him_ but to _her. “You’re a hunter, Samantha.” John growled out, glaring at her. “I don’t care what other girls are wearing. You’ve already got a rather… memorable look. Dressing to highlight that is only going to make you stick out more in people’s minds. Hunters don’t need that. We need people to forget about us before we’re even gone.”_

John had hated the idea of nice clothes. He hadn’t wanted to highlight the rather generous assets that Sam had been born with.

It took a second for Sam to shove that memory back. It left him feeling just a little shaky, though. That hadn’t been his memory. Not one that he’d ever had in his life, anyways. That was a memory from _this_ life. From _this_ Sam. Was that going to keep happening? Was he going to keep remembering bits of this Sam’s life? A thought hit him and he froze briefly. Oh, God. Would her memories start to take over and leave him with nothing left?

No, no. He had to believe that wouldn’t happen. Gabriel wouldn’t have let that happen. How could Sam stop things if he forgot who he was?

 _He wasn’t exactly at full power,_ Sam reminded himself, unable to keep from wincing. _He might not have wanted it to happen but that doesn’t mean that it won’t._ Horrible as the thought was, it was true, and Sam immediately resolved to get a few notebooks and pens and jot down everything that he could possibly remember. If he could write it all down before he forgot it, then at least he’d have it documented and would be able to work from there. He might still be able to stop it.

Sam grabbed hold of the first decent looking pair of jeans that he could and a plain tank top as well as a plaid over-shirt. _There’s not a single thing in here suitable for hunting, really_ , he thought to himself.  Next he moved over to the dresser and raided the drawers until he came up with some underclothes that he really hoped were his. Then he tossed it all down on the bed to change.

This wasn't going to be easy. Oh, not the dressing part. That was simple. Clothes didn't really take a lot to figure out and he barely had to pay attention as he changed into them. It was the rest of this that was going to be hard. As soon as he figured out where and when he was, he needed to start to plan what to do. Having a firm plan in front of him would help him to focus. It'd keep him from giving in to the urge to curl back up in that bed and sob until the pain went away. There was a part of him that wanted nothing more than to do that. To give in to the urge and just break. But he couldn't. He had to do this. Gabriel had trusted him to do this.

Once Sam had finished pulling on clean clothes, he straightened himself up and looked around the room. There was something so strangely familiar about this all that he couldn't quite place.

 _I wish you were here, Gabe_.

Sam pushed that thought down. Straightening up, he drew in a deep breath and squared his – her – shoulders. In his mind he gave a firm mental command to start using the proper pronouns. Otherwise he was just going to keep confusing himself inside of his own head. He felt like a he, but looked like a her, and it was the looks that mattered to society. The world would see a female and that was how Sam was going to have to start thinking of... herself. If... she... wanted to do anything, than she was going to have to play the part. That's all this was; just playing a part.

Chin lifted up and spine straight, a posture that screamed she was ready to take on anything, Sam pushed down all the pain inside and held on tight to the very last thing Gabriel had asked her to do. Fulfilling that request, honoring that trust, would be the only thing to get her through this.

* * *

When Sam left the bedroom she'd only been focused on going and figuring out the date and location of where she was. She hadn't thought about what might be waiting in the rest of this apartment. Or, better yet, _who_ might be waiting.

She really should've. The fact that she was in an apartment should've been her first clue. The lack of hunting clothes should’ve been the next one. There’d been rare times in Sam’s life when she’d been away from hunting long enough to have an actual home, and only one time that she’d had herself an apartment. Yet when she stepped out into the kitchen and saw the figure by the stove she couldn't help how she stopped, or the gasp that tore past her lips.

The broken parts of Sam bled a little more as she stared at the woman standing there in the kitchen in pajama shorts and a tank top. A woman she hadn’t ever expected to see again.

“Jess.” She breathed out.

The sound of her voice startled Jess and had her spinning around, spatula held aloft like some sort of weapon. Fear and shock lit her face at being startled. As soon as she saw who it was, though, she lowered the spatula and a grin spread over her face. That grin changed into a mock glare as she lifted the spatula and pointed it at her. “Samantha Winchester, how many times have I told you not to sneak up on me like that? You’re gonna give me a heart attack one of these days!”

Sam couldn’t speak. She stared at the beautiful woman in front of her and couldn’t manage to say a word.

The familiarity of the place around her was finally sinking in. Sam knew where she was. More than that, she knew _when_ she was. Gabriel had sent her farther back than Sam had expected. He’d sent her to Stanford – to Jess.

Sam’s eyes sought out the calendar that she remembered Jess had liked to keep up on the fridge. While her mind hadn’t really remembered much of the apartment itself, there were small things she’d remembered, small things that sat in her memory that hadn’t been washed away by time. One of those things was the ridiculous kitten calendars that Jess had always cooed over and always hung up right on the fridge. Sure enough, there it was. When Sam saw the date, she let out a punched breath.

Two months. It was two months before Dean came back into his – _her_ – life. Two months before Jess died stuck to the ceiling just as Mary Winchester had done all those years ago.

“Sam?” Jess's voice cut through Sam's thoughts and drew her eyes away from the calendar and back to her – God! – girlfriend. Jess was watching her with concern bright in her eyes and written all over her face. The downward curl to her mouth, the little furrow between her brows, the way she scrunched up her nose, all of that tugged at Sam's memories and pulled up things she'd thought she'd forgotten, things that had happened so long ago and yet were happening again now. “Sam, sweetheart, what is it? What's wrong?” With a twist of her wrist Jess had the burner on the stove off and then she was setting the spatula down and making her way over to Sam. “Did you have another nightmare?”

Nightmares had been common for Sam her whole life. Especially at Stanford. She hadn't realized at the time what they were. Hadn't realized how prophetic some of them were. More memories drifted up, different ones this time. Ones that she hadn't had before.

There were memories of Jess curling up in bed with her – and in these memories, Sam was most definitely female. The two of them lying in bed together with Sam's head pillowed on Jess's chest, listening to the beat of her heart, while Jess ran her hands up and down Sam's back soothingly after yet another nightmare.

Other memories came to the forefront as Jess stopped in front of her and reached up with one hand to cup her cheek. Soft kisses shared in this very kitchen, moments of laughter and love. Curling up on the couch to watch a movie together. Sitting in their own spots in the living room while reading their own books, not needing to talk, not even always needing to touch, just enjoying the presence of the other person as they relaxed.

The mix of Sam's memories was making her head hurt, though nowhere near as much as her heart.

She'd loved Jess once. Loved her in the other life, and loved her still in this one. But even as she stared down into the concerned blue eyes looking up at her, the love that Sam felt was muted. The kind that one feels when thinking back on their first love, their first crush. It was a happy feeling, a wonderful one, but wrapped up in the nostalgia of the past. Sam's love for her wasn't in any way less, it just wasn't the same. Not now that Sam knew the true capacity of love. Not since she'd felt it in the piece of grace that had been fused to her soul.

Jess was wonderful, amazing, and still so beautiful it made Sam's eyes hurt – but she wasn't Gabriel.

“Sam, what is it?” Jess stroked her fingers down Sam's cheek and that was enough to break her paralysis.

Sam took a full step back and watched as the concern in Jess's eyes flashed brighter. It broke her heart a little more to think of how that look was going to change here shortly. Because Sam knew what she had to do. Coming out here and finding Jess didn't change that. The only thing it changed was the relief that Sam felt at the idea that she might be able to save one more person – one of the deaths that she regretted the most. “I'm sorry.” Sam said softly. She meant it, too. With every beat of her heart.

The furrow between Jess's eyebrows grew. “Sorry for what?”

It was so hard to try and keep hold of her composure. Knowing what she had to do and doing it were two entirely different things. But Sam had left the bedroom with a purpose and she couldn't change it now. “I... I'm sorry, Jess.” Her voice cracked just a little on saying that name. Drawing in a breath, she steeled her reserve and made herself go on, holding on to that last image of Gabriel in her mind to give her the strength to lie right to the face of the woman she'd once loved with everything in her. “Something's... something's come up. Something important. With my family.”

“Your family?” Now there was surprise there. Jess knew that Sam didn't talk to her family. Hell, Sam rarely talked _about_ her family. “Are they okay?”

Sam licked her lips and shook her head. _I’m sorry, Jess, but it’s better this way. It’s for the best._ “I, I need to... to go. They need me.” _You'll be so much safer without me here_. “I'm going to, to contact school later and I'm... I'm withdrawing. My family needs me.”

Jess looked like she'd been slapped. Her mouth dropped open a little and her eyes briefly flashed wider. “You're leaving?”

“Yeah.” A part of Sam didn't want to; she could admit that to herself. A part of her wanted to wrap up in Jess and hold on to her for a little while. Accept the comfort that she knew this woman would give her. Jess wouldn’t understand why Sam was so upset, she wouldn't have any idea what it was that Sam was grieving, but the young hunter knew that Jess would hold on to her and offer whatever comfort she could. She'd always done that for Sam without ever pushing her to talk about what bothered her. She'd accepted that there were some things Sam wouldn't talk about. But, looking at her, Sam couldn't do it. She couldn't let herself even entertain the thought of staying here any longer than she had to. She needed to leave and she needed to do it now. Even if it wasn't wrong to accept comfort from an old love while grieving the new, there was no way Sam could inflict her company on anyone. Not when she knew that leaving would keep Jess alive.

“But you're... you're coming back, right?”

Sam shook her head, hating herself a little as she watched the grief start to build in Jess's eyes. The woman was smart; she knew where this was heading even before Sam said the words. “I’m not coming back, Jess. I'm sorry. They... they need me. “

Jess drew in the hands that had started to reach for Sam. She held them against her chest protectively, like she was trying to physically block the blows that Sam was dealing here. “Sam....”

There was a tone to her words that made Sam wince. It reminded her of kneeling in front of Gabriel, of pleading with him to not do this, to let her stay. She hadn't wanted to go. She hadn’t wanted to leave Gabriel. _Did he hurt this much_? she wondered. _Did it hurt him this much to watch me plead_? She knew the answer to that. Knew just how badly it'd hurt him to have to listen to that and deny her. Especially when he'd worked so hard to never have to deny her anything. The fact that Sam begged, something she didn't do easily, had only made him hurt all the more.

Sam couldn't stay, couldn't play this charade. However, she could give Jess something. With one hand she reached out and pressed her knuckles against Jess's cheek in a gentle caress. “I'm sorry. I... I was never any good for you anyways, Jess. I promise you you'll find someone much better than me. Someone who can make you happy the way you deserve.” Someone who could keep her safe.

“I love you.” Jess whispered.

Closing her eyes tightly, Sam drew her hand back in. The blows just kept coming and she wasn't sure how much more she could take before it was too much. _Be strong_ , she reminded herself. _Gabriel had faith in you. Be strong_. “I'm sorry.”

With those words, she silently turned and walked away. She needed to grab the go-bag she knew was hidden in the top of the closet behind a little panel. If this version of her was anything like her, like him, than even though she'd been out of hunting she would have a bag for emergencies. One that would have some clothes, some weapons, and emergency cash and ID's as well as a set of keys to a car that would get her out of town. Sam hadn't wanted to hunt at Stanford but that didn't mean she hadn't been prepared.

When Sam came back out with the bag in hand, she found Jess still standing there, tears in those bright eyes of hers.

Sam couldn’t help it. She dropped her bag and walked over and wrap Jess up in a hug. One that Jess resisted only for a second before melting into. Sam buried her face against the woman’s hair and breathed in the scent of apples that had always clung to her. “I’m sorry.” She whispered. Then, drawing in a shaky breath, she pulled back.

She felt Jess’s eyes following her as she left the apartment.

* * *

Things in this timeline were similar enough for Sam to easily find the car she’d hidden for herself. It wasn’t anything special, just an old truck that would serve its purpose. Her hands were steady as she unlocked the doors and tossed her bag into the backseat.

Sam slid down into the driver’s seat and carefully shut the door behind her. For a long moment she just sat there and stared blankly at the wheel in front of her.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. Things weren’t supposed to end this way. She wasn’t supposed to be here. She wasn’t supposed to be alone. _“You’ll never have to be alone again, gorgeous.”_ Those words echoed back to her and made her heart ache. _I’m alone now, Gabriel_ , she thought to herself. _You said I’d never have to be alone, but I am. I always end up alone._

Not by choice, though. In her heart Sam knew that Gabriel wouldn’t have left her alone like this if he’d had a choice. One thing she never doubted was how much the archangel loved her. She’d seen it in his actions. She’d _felt_ it in their bond, in the gentle way he touched her, in the smooth slide of his hands over her skin as he’d worshiped her. She knew that Gabriel loved her. It was that love that had prompted him to do this. Gabriel had loved her completely – more than that, he’d trusted her. And what was she doing with that love and trust. Sitting here sulking because she was alone?

Purpose filled Sam and her hands tightened on the wheel. Gabriel had sacrificed himself to send Sam here. Sure, she hadn’t expected it to end up like _this_ , but she’d known that she was going back in time, going to a different timeline. She knew what she was getting into here. Gabriel was counting on her. He was trusting her to make things right. Sam couldn’t let him down. She couldn’t let his sacrifice go to waste.

With steady hands she turned the car on and put it into gear. It was time to stop moping. Time to prove that Gabriel’s faith in her was founded.

Sam slowly backed the car out of the parking spot and then turned it to face the open road. Without once looking back, she drove away from Stanford. There was no more time for regrets.

She had work to do.


End file.
